Mark My Words

Writing, flying and yawning my way through motherhood

The Lost Day October 20, 2008

Filed under: Blogging,Breastfeeding — H. M. @ 9:57 pm
Tags: , ,

It seems like most days of the week are lost days since Henry was born. Not lost like down the drain and into the ocean. Just utterly unproductive.

As much as I loathe the idea of Henry sharing the bed, it’s the only way I can sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time. After long nights of trying to get him back to bed in the wee hours, I’m exhausted by 5. I want two consecutive hours of sleep. The only way that will happen is if he is curled up in the crook of my arm.

That’s how the day started.

Lately i’ve been feeling trapped by the breastfeeding gig. Today I got really pissed off at the “breast is best” advocates because, really, breast is not always best. Best for the child, yes. But as long as I am his sole source of nourishment I will have no life. And this is a family issue, not just a me and my son issue. I don’t think anyone, not my husband or my mom or anyone else, has any idea just how exhausting it is to have the baby on my tit all day long.

I’m not looking for sympathy, really. I know this is the sacrifice I chose to make for my son. And I love that we have this bond together. However, it affects me and my husband and our relationship to one another when Henry can’t be fed when he wants. And then throws a fit. Like in the car on the highway. Or at Boston Market. Or just at home. I feel like all my hobbies and interests are on a shelf till god knows when because I can’t read and breastfeed at the same time. I can’t type and breastfeed at the same time. And forget about having a hot meal. Or preparing a hot meal. Or a bowl of cereal. Even the simplest of tasks I have to put aside.

It just sucks sometimes. I try to act like everything is fabulous all the time and I put on a happy face, but in reality, I just wish I had someone to relate to. Someone else who misses their hobbies. I thought kicking my writing into high gear would be possible. I mean, I can sit in the chair with Henry on my boob and type, right? Yet it’s taken me two hours just to get this blog done.

So really, I don’t want sympathy. I just want two hours of uninterrupted sleep, and two hours to do something intellectual or athletic or artistic.


3 Responses to “The Lost Day”

  1. Lindsay M Says:

    Oh my goodness Heather, I totally feel your pain! If breastfeeding is feeling like a drain, don’t feel obligated to it. Breast totally isn’t best when you’re feeling trapped. I was feeling the same way w/ my daughter. At 6 months I decided I had enough and just wanted to have my body back. I wanted to drink alcohol and not have to worry about passing it to her. I wanted to hand her off to other people for a few hours without having engorged and painful boobs. I wanted to be myself again. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I’ve been there. If you ever want to chat or vent, feel free to email me. πŸ™‚

    PS- I totally figured out how to breastfeed and type, but it’s easier when the baby is a little bigger. Cross your knee over your other knee and prop the baby on your knee. They can suck away and you have 2 hands to use! πŸ˜‰

  2. Heather Says:

    I’m so glad you get it! I think it’ll be better when he has control of his hands and can reach out and grab things. That way he can make his own adjustments and get comfortable.

    But then I’ll long for the days when he was just a little baby who needed my help with everything. I’ll lament about how fast he is growing up. Such a double edged sword.

  3. mamax2 Says:

    I feel EXACTLY the same and am considering quitting except we can’t afford formula right now…maybe that’s where the feeling comes from?

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